After the Storm, There is a Rainbow

It’s taken awhile to write about this miracle blessing, partly because I’ve been protective and partly because I didn’t know what to say…but only two and a half months after miscarrying our sweet Hayden, I saw the words “pregnant” on a Clear Blue pregnancy test.

It was three days before my period for February was due, and for a few days prior I had been experiencing symptoms associated with implantation bleeding. As much as I wanted to deny these symptoms, I know my body and I know when things aren’t normal, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Losing the baby we tried all of 2015 to conceive right before Christmas was devastating, and I was still struggling greatly at the end of February to cope with this loss.

Technically, I should have waited to test on Thursday, February 25th, but I was anxious and decided to test on Monday, February 22nd. I’ve never had a pregnancy test come back positive that early, and in fact Hayden’s test didn’t register positive until the day I missed my period. But there it was, that big fat PREGNANT written on the Clear Blue test.

February 22, 2016

 I immediately cried, and felt joy and fear and thankfulness all at the same time. I ran to Keith and told him our great news and he was overjoyed that we were pregnant again! I called my doctor and they had me go in that day to check my hCG levels. I went back on Wednesday and Friday of that week, and my numbers jumped from 14 to 47 to 146, and then the following week we tested again and the hCG number was 2,560. 

We waited a week before telling the world about our newest blessing, but those closest to us knew right away.

Since February 22nd I’ve had quite a few prenatal appointments and one ultrasound. So far, everything is looking really good. I will be 13 weeks on Thursday and thankfully entering the 2nd trimester. I have felt very tired and hungry, and have had a constant uneasy stomach. Up until week 8, I craved nothing, could not eat any meat, but was always hungry. (Thank God for saltines and ginger.) Since then, my stomach is still uneasy but I am craving organic oranges (because they are sweet, juicy, and freaking delicious), tomatoes in Italian dressing, pineapples, and dill pickle chips.  I’ve been able to eat meat again, but I’m taking my time adding this back to my diet because one wrong move and I’m nauseated for the day! Also, I've had to remove dairy from my diet because anything from cheese to milk to yogurt upsets my tummy. 

Rainbow Baby Christmas at 6.5 weeks

Gavin and Arabella are incredibly excited about our new family member, and Gavin often kisses my tummy and talks to the baby. We’ve told him our baby names and he loves them all, and he also likes to stick things down his shirt and tells me that he’s having a baby, too. 

Rainbow Baby at 12 weeks

As for me, I am thankful for this new life. I have not forgotten about Hayden and sometimes I even feel guilty for being happy and not dwelling on our loss, but I’ve read that’s a normal feeling to have. It’s strange to think had Hayden lived, this new baby would not exist. As a mother, I will always mourn the loss of our sweet Hayden, and even now I can’t stop the tears just thinking about him/her. I had a dream recently and there was a beautiful, red-headed baby with a button nose in it. The baby was happy and smiling, and while I’m not sure, I think this was my Hayden. And my heart broke a little, but I do feel peace knowing that my baby is with Jesus.

This new precious life growing inside of me has helped heal my wounds from the miscarriage, and I like to think that Hayden helped pick this baby out. I will never question God’s plan, but will count my blessings as they are given. We are only a few weeks out from finding out the gender, and either way, we are so thrilled to welcome our newest Little Christmas.

Hayden

It’s been a week since the loss of sweet #3 was confirmed, and while this week has been the hardest of my life I am finally feeling the calming peace that can only be provided by the Lord. I’d like to say that I’ve handled this whole thing with grace, but that would be a complete lie. The first few days after learning this news were very dark…my whole body ached and the only thing I managed to do was cry.

So many questions swarmed my mind…

Why did this happen? Was it my fault? How could we try all year for this baby only for him/her to be taken away so soon? What was the point of this?!?! 

I switched from sadness to anger often, and then something pretty amazing happened.

On Thursday (12/10) I pulled out a few blank canvases that I’d been saving for a rainy day. Arabella was sick with a virus that she caught from Gav over the weekend and slept all morning, while Gavin and I made hand and footprint art. I had just recently seen the most beautiful quote about miscarriage, and felt a sense of urgency to paint these words so that I could read them each and every day.

With each word, I felt myself start to heal.

Over and over, the thought of our child…that little beautiful face opening it’s eyes…only to see the face of Jesus.

What a breathtaking sight.

And it’s in this very distinct moment in my grieving process that I accepted the loss, and saw the beauty in this pain.

Another incredibly important decision that has helped me to start healing was naming this child. After a sweet friend of mine suggested that we choose a gender neutral name, we decided to do exactly that.

So, we will forever remember this child as Hayden Christmas.

Because this baby is not an it.

Or a number.

Or just a clump of cells.

This baby is a life.

It pains me to think that I won’t see Hayden until my time here on earth is over, but I am also incredibly thankful that I will meet him/her one day.

The grieving and healing process is unpredictable, and I’m still riding a hormonal rollercoaster. But I remain hopeful, and if I’ve learned anything recently it’s that hope is a dangerous, beautiful, and powerful thing.

Heartbroken

The news I’ve feared came true on Monday.

My doctor called an hour before my appointment to let me know that my hCG numbers had dropped from 55 to 28 in two days time, and that this was unfortunately a miscarriage. All the bleeding I had Friday, along with the “large clot” I passed was more than likely the baby.

I am completely broken.

This baby was only 6-weeks-old, but had completely stolen my heart. From the moment I saw those two pink lines and “Pregnant” on the digital test, I was in love.

But then again, that is a lie.

I’ve loved this child since the moment Keith and I decided to try for #3. All year, each month when my period was due, I would get anxious. Praying and hoping that this was the month it would happen. November finally gave us that, and while we only had two weeks of happiness celebrating the life of this child, I do not regret sharing our pregnancy with the world. This life was something to celebrate, and the outpouring of love and support from friends and family has been so touching.

But I was not prepared for this.

I don’t know how to act.

I am sad.

I’m heartbroken.

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe.

I feel guilty.

I’m angry.

I am a mess.

And I just want to skip Christmas because celebrating such a beautiful season while experiencing such intense heartbreak doesn’t feel right.

But that’s impossible.

The birth of Jesus is worth celebrating no matter what earthly heartbreak is occurring.

I think that the hardest part of all of this is the not knowing…not knowing the baby’s gender, not having a name picked out, not knowing who this child would have been… I have complete faith that I will see sweet #3 again one day, and that he/she is spending time with Jesus, my Me-Maw and Pe-Paw, my Poupee’, and all of my other relatives that are in heaven.

But it still hurts. Perhaps the saddest thing I’ve ever done was re-write name tags for presents, because I’d already written “From: Keith, Linds, Gav, Bella,  & #3”. This baby was real and wanted and an answered prayer, and I am so sad.

Please pray for healing and peace.

Waiting For Answers

The Christmas season has always been my favorite time of year.

The birth of Jesus, lights and decorations, the gift-giving, family and friends…I’ve loved all of it forever, and it’s only fitting that I married a man that changed my last name to Christmas.

But…this is why I am so completely blindsided by what has been happening over the past 5 days. The joy of the season with the most intense heartbreak I’ve ever experienced is incredibly conflicting. It brings back memories of June 28th & 29th of 2013, when my daughter was born one day and my Me-Maw died the next.

The baby that we’ve tried all year to conceive and the pregnancy the Lord blessed us with in November is in jeopardy. I’ve contemplated staying quiet until we have more information, but I am not the “suffer in silence” type of person. And we need prayer.

{Warning: The below is probably too much information for most people, especially men. If you don’t want to know about blood and lady things, STOP reading.}

I had my first prenatal appointment on Wednesday (12/2), and that day I also began lightly spotting. At my appointment I was examined and blood was drawn to test my hCG (pregnancy hormone) level. I scheduled a few future appointments and an ultrasound for the 15th, and what should have been a joyful meeting was one filled with worry.

I went home and cried and worried and prayed. Then, I cried some more.

On Thursday the spotting was heavier and the cramping began.

Friday morning I was back at the doctor’s office to have more blood drawn to make sure that the hCG hormone was rising, but since I’d been spotting and cramping I was seen immediately.

Due to lack of information there wasn’t many answers available. The blood drawn on Wednesday did show a low hCG level, and that was concerning. However, my cervix was closed and tinted blue (which further confirmed my pregnancy), and I was told to remain hopeful, but that at this point the pregnancy could go either way.

I left the office completely devastated and in tears.

How could this happen?? For my pregnancies with Gavin and Arabella I did not have any spotting or cramping, so this is really new territory.

I took Gavin to get a haircut after the appointment, and by the time I got home there was a lot of bleeding happening. The rest of the day there was intense cramping and more blood than I’d like to admit. My heart was broken and I was convinced that this baby wasn’t going to make it.

Yesterday there was more bleeding, but not as much cramping. I’m trying to remain hopeful, but I’m also trying to be logical. I know that my God is bigger than this and He is absolutely in control, but my broken heart would rather accept this horrible news than to set myself up for further devastation. But I do have hope…it may be small, but it’s there.

I am only 6 weeks pregnant, but I believe that life begins at the moment of conception. Yes, I have two healthy, amazing toddlers that I thank God for every day, but it does not ease the pain of thinking my third born is in danger. This little 6-week-old life is my child, and this experience is agonizing.

If you’re reading this, can you please pray with me? Pray that my appointment Monday confirms a healthy baby and an explanation other than a miscarriage for all of this bleeding. Pray that I have peace with whatever happens, and that I can heal from this if the outcome is what I fear.

I’ll write again soon, hopefully with better news.

Besides praying and reading His word, Lauren Daigle’s album “How Can It Be” has been light in the darkness. The song below has especially helped my heart.