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From Loathed to Loved

When I think of people in the Bible, certain figures come to mind. Jesus, Mary, Esther, Gideon, Paul, Peter, Noah, Moses...and the list goes on and on. Each person is real and raw, and their stories are ones that inspire and provoke many feelings. Other than Jesus, these people were completely flawed, and I can relate to many of them.

But there is one person that I disliked loathed, and his name is David.

David the shepherd boy that defeated Goliath? LOVE that guy.

David the King that slept with a married woman, impregnated her, and had her husband killed to cover it up? Not so much.

But here's the kicker -- King David is known as the man after God's own heart. He is emphatically anointed and a son of God, however his heart and his actions seem to differ greatly.

Keith and I just finished a 10 week Beth Moore study on King David, and the man that I used to despise is now someone that I am deeply fond of. It sounds completely insane, but after learning about David's life and diving into scripture, I actually see a lot of myself in King David.

This doesn't mean that I can relate to his actions with Bathsheba or Tamar, but that I, too, am a flawed, sinful person and am only redeemed by God's grace.

What struck me the most during this study was how much that I did not really know about David. I knew the big stuff (defeating Goliath, becoming King) and the bad stuff (Bathsheba and Tamar), but I didn't know the beginning. I didn't know that before there was King David, there was King Saul. A king that was chosen by the people, that had disobeyed God and had His presence depart from him, and then chased David for 15 years.

David literally ran for his life for 15 years, hiding in caves and moving from city to city. He even had a chance to kill Saul, but refused to touch God's anointed. I don't know about you guys, but when I'm in a hard season I am inclined to pray and to cry out for help, but it can be quite difficult to sing out in praise and to remain hopeful. If anyone was entitled to totally freak out and have a mental, physical, and emotional breakdown, it would be David. But he didn't. He put his trust in God and remained solid in his faith.

But that was David. In the midst of being chased from his home, not for anything he had done, but for being who he was, which was the next King of Israel, he had a faith stronger than anything I've read about.

And then there's his relationship with Jonathan. Jonathan was the son of the crazed King Saul, but yet he and David shared a bond like no other. This relationship is the ultimate bromance, and ends in a heartbreaking manner, but it showed me the kind of qualities that David possessed in order to create this bond.

More than just the change in the way I think about King David, this bible study changed my life.

By choosing a study written for women and doing the study with my husband, we were able to dissect the Word of God in a way that was sensitive to how I was thinking (like when I was freaking out after David married someone else soon after he had married Abigail...what the what?!), but strong enough for my husband to enjoy. The study created quality time, has strengthened our marriage, and was perfectly timed to coincide with the hardest season that Keith and I have experienced.

There were so many times where what we were discussing was 100% applicable to what we were going through on that very day, and it made me laugh and rejoice over the Lord's sense of humor. During a time where Keith and I should have been broken apart and fighting, we were growing in our faith and were a united front against an attack from the enemy. Perhaps the best part of this study was that our children were witnesses to this special time, and would often grab their kid bible and have their own study.

Today we finished the last day of our study, and I will truly miss learning about King David. (Never in a million years thought I'd say that!) My perspective has changed, I have changed, and I am more hungry for the Word than I ever have been. So thanks. Thank you satan for trying to attack what the Lord declares HIS. All you did what ignite a fire in me that was dimly lit before.

My Experience with Placenta Encapsulation

Yep, you read that right. After giving birth to Ethan I saved my placenta, had it dehydrated and encapsulated (by a certified doula) and have been taking placenta pills (AKA my happy pills) since welcoming our third child into this world. 

In order to understand why I made this decision, let me give you a little bit of backstory...

When I was pregnant for Ethan, I wondered and worried about many things, but one of my main concerns about life with three children was my metal health (hello, tiny circus). You see, about six months after I gave birth to Arabella in 2013, I experienced postpartum depression. My PPD was not in the form of sadness like the depression I was familiar with, but it was in the form of rage. Anything and everything would set me off, and I would take this out on my husband. At one point things got so bad that Keith and I ended up in marriage counseling, and through this counseling (which I highly recommend...it's really nice talking to an unbiased professional) we discovered the PPD. I knew that I didn't want to go on medication to alleviate this problem (there's nothing wrong with taking medication AT ALL, I just personally did not want to) so I began researching essential oils. Between the new oils, a change in diet and the addition of exercise, and working on my relationship with God, my relationship with my husband improved and I began to heal from postpartum depression. 

PPD is an incredibly confusing and, if I'm being honest, an embarrassing thing to experience because nobody really talks about it. People only fill you in on the joys of motherhood and not the hardship that can come with it. SO, all of that to say, I was a little worried that I would get PPD again after giving birth to Ethan, so I began researching how to minimize this risk.

And it was there that I found placenta encapsulation and the plethora of benefits ingestion the placenta could provide. 

I hired Sam at Sacred Bee Doula (I highly recommend her!) for $250 and all I had to do was bring a small cooler to the hospital when I went into labor. I informed my nurses that I wanted to keep my placenta, they handled the packaging into the cooler, and then Sam picked it up the day I had Ethan. She dehydrated and encapsulated it for me, and then delivered it to my house two days later. Each placenta creates a different number of capsules, and mine made 150. 

Now for the good part! 

Below is a list of all the wonderful things I experienced through placenta encapsulation:

1. Postpartum cramping immediately subsided. Okay mommas, you know what I'm talking about. You go through labor and have a sweet angel, and yet every time said angel nurses your insides feel like they will explode. Again. This pain is caused by suckling, where the uterus is contracting down to it's normal pre-pregnancy size. While this is normal, it hurts like hell. Apparently the more kids you have the more the cramping hurts, and I can absolutely attest to this. I was miserable those first days at home...until I started taking my placenta pills. Immediately, the cramping subsided. 

2. So. Much. Energy. This sounds crazy to even type, but I somewhat avoided the whole "mom zombie" stage of having a newborn. The placenta pills gave me so much energy that I didn't have to drink any caffeine to function like a normal human being. I now drink green tea beverages on days where I'm dragging, but otherwise I've stayed away from soda and coffee. 

3. An abundance of breastmilk. During the first three months I was pumping 1-2 times a day, and I was able to get anywhere from 4-6 oz out of each breast. (Seriously, I felt like I was a liquid-gold-pumping-maching) I only take the pills now as needed, and my supply is much lower, but I still get 1-3 oz.

4. Postpartum bleeding decreased. This may be TMI, but once I started taking the placenta pills, I didn't need to wear that flattering mommy diaper that they send you home from the hospital in. 

5. Balanced Hormones. This!!!!! This was what I hoped and prayed for, and I credit my God and these pills for the quality of life I've experienced this time around. While I am still riding the postpartum rollercoaster, my highs are high, but my lows are not low. I feel very balanced and of sound mind, and this is such an incredible blessing!

3 weeks postpartum and feeling great

I know it sounds gross and people can be freaked out when you talk about your placenta, but the five wonderful things I experienced far outweigh the weird looks and comments I've received. The only negative side effect I experienced was headaches, and this was because my dosage level was too high, so I took less the next day and the headaches were gone. If you decided to encapsulate your placenta, I will say DRINK UP! Lots and lots of water is required to ensure you do not become dehydrated. 

The pills are small and look like herbs

The whole purpose of writing this post is to share my wonderful experience with placenta encapsulation with the hope that other moms (new or seasoned) will be able to kick PPD's butt and be a functioning human being during those wonderful, yet very exhausting, first few months. Overall I am very thankful in my decision to encapsulate my placenta, and am a bit disappointed that I only have 26 pills left (that I am saving for hard days).

E and Me -- 4.5 months postpartum and just immensely thankful

**First picture taken by Bump Meet Baby Studio.

Pilot Wings

At the end of January I embarked on one of my most ambitious journeys yet -- I flew from Charleston, SC to Lafayette, LA by myself with three children under the age of five. Needless to say it was exhausting, but 100% feasible. I looked like a small traveling circus and received many looks of encouragement and pity in the airport, and the one question I kept getting was, "Where are you going?!"

To which I would reply, "It's my grandmother's 90th surprise birthday party and I HAVE TO BE THERE."  

Thanks to beaucoup frequent flyer miles that Keith earned working in the tax industry, we all flew for free. (Talk about a major blessing, one of many the Lord has given us over the past few months.) So off we went, and while the task seemed daunting, I was excited. 

You see, I love the airport.

I love the way it smells.

I love the hustle and bustle of travelers and often wonder where everyone is flying off to. What are their stories? How are they feeling?

I love seeing the planes take off and land.

I. love. it. all. 

As someone who one day hopes to be an aviator, I was anxious to see a female pilot. She didn't have to be flying my plane...I just wanted to see one in the flesh. This may sound weird, but women only make up approximately 5% of commercial pilots, so my desire was a long shot. 

I am sad to report that I did not see any women pilots in the Charleston, Lafayette, Atlanta, or New Orleans airports. Which wasn't that big of deal, but something happened that made me feel incredibly confused, and if I'm being honest a little angry. 

On our flight from New Orleans to Atlanta, I asked a flight attendant for some pilot wings for my kids. The older two love flying and really wanted some so that "they could fly their own planes when we got home." As she pinned the wings on Gavin, she said, "Here are your pilot wings!" and then she turned the Arabella and said, "And here are your flight attendant wings!" 

This. 

This here pushes my buttons. Now, the flight attendant was incredibly sweet and I'm sure completely unaware of what she had said, but I immediately noticed. So, because Arabella is a girl she should limit herself to being a flight attendant, but Gavin is a boy and this means that he should be a pilot? 

What the actual WHAT? 

Maybe it's because I want to be a pilot myself and am well aware of the statistics of women flying in this "man's world", or maybe it's because I don't like my children being placed in a box. Whatever it was, it had me bothered, and I exited the plane with more determination than ever. 

Determined to continuing pursuing my goal of being a licensed pilot. 

Determined to support my kids in whatever they want to do. 

Determined to be aware of my words and not to place judgment on others.

It was a harmless comment, but one that I will always remember. Not in anger, but with fondness...because while stereotypes exist, it is an empowering and beautiful thing when you can utterly shatter them.

Our New Normal

A few days have passed since our family of 5 moved to the new house, and we are slowly getting the hang of our new normal. As someone who loves organization and order, having our home in disorder is driving me a bit insane. I have to consciously remind myself that it will take some time to unpack, and everything will eventually find its place. Boxes litter each and every room of the home, closets are half full, and toys are everywhere...and we are exhausted. 

Exhausted, but thankful. 

Keith and I have been riding a ferocious wave and the season we are coming out of has been hard, but God was good and is good and has provided for us. One day we will share all that He has done for us...all of the blessings that came out of each horrible situation. I know that's incredibly vague, but  the grace we have seen and the mountains that have been moved deserve more that just a shout-out on this post. 

This fresh start that we have been given has us only 20 minutes from our old house, but those 20 minutes put us in a new suburb of Charleston. We now reside in Summerville, the home of azalea flowers and sweet tea. So far, we are enjoying living on this side of town and look forward to meeting our neighbors and creating wonderful memories. Gavin and I will pick back up with homeschool preschool (while Arabella joins us here and there) in the next few days, and that will hopefully give us a better handle on our daily routine.

We are currently renting a home here, and this both excites and terrifies me. It's exciting that we aren't chained to one location and can easily move to a new area or home (although I prefer not as moving absolutely sucks), but I am also terrified because of the same reason -- we do not technically have roots right now. We are excited to get involved at our new church, but have no commitment to this area besides the short lease we signed. But if I've learned anything at all, it has been this -- this is where faith comes in. 

Instead of trying to figure everything out right now, I am giving it all to the One who actually does hold my world in His hands. I fully believe that the crazy things that happened during our dark season all led us to where we are now. It can be hard to let go of the reins and truly trust God's plan, but He knows the desires of our hearts. He knows what we yearn for and what we aspire to be, and I can only hope and trust that he will use us for His kingdom. So we will pray, trust, and immerse ourselves in the city we currently reside, and will reevaluate our location in 6 months time (when our lease is up). 

One incredibly important thing that I am so thankful to truly feel is that no matter where my family resides location wise, as long as we are together, I am home. And that is a beautiful thing.

My Plate Runneth Over

Have you ever been so busy that the wheels in your head never stop turning? Your plate is so full that you feel like at any moment you're going to drop the ball and totally lose your mind? 

Yep, that is my life lately, but for SUCH good reason!

After spending two lovely weeks visiting family and friends in Louisiana, I returned back to Charleston with only 3 weeks to pack up our 5 bedroom home and move 20 minutes down the road to a wonderful new house! We listed the house that has been Keith's home since 2008 and my home since 2010 (minus a year and a half for the time we lived in Atlanta and Charlotte) for sale at the end of December, and by the end of January it had sold. Up until last week we didn't know where we would be living, but thanks to an awesome friend/realtor of ours, we will be renting a lovely 4 bedroom home until we figure out where we'd like to plant some roots next.

Packing is obviously overwhelming, but packing while being a work-from-home mom to 3 kids under age 5 is challenging to say the least. I am finishing up my last editing project for a wedding that I was so honored to capture, and I'm doing my best to juggle an infant, threenager, and preschooler. (Right now the threenager is giving me a run for my money, but we won't let her know that, kay?)

And while that sweet husband of mine is being helpful, he has just started a new job (praise you, God!) and has been quite busy. So all that to say...while I want to allocate time each day to sit and write, because let me tell you there is so much I have to say, I just can't. Not right now. But I'm jotting down notes on my phone, and one day (soon, I hope) when we are settled into our new home, I will share my thoughts with all of you. Everything from the books I'm deeply enjoying to my trip to Louisiana, to traveling solo on a plane with 3 kiddos, placenta encapsulation, and flight school, those posts are coming. 

I hope that you have enjoyed this short update and that your Monday rocks!

Now it's back to packing! :) 

A Fresh Start

Today I woke up with the wheels in my head turning at an alarming rate. It is January 1, 2017 and there is so much hope and expectation for a better year. In reality, today is just another day in the book of my life, and all of my problems and worries from 2016 won't just magically vanish because of this new calendar year. 

But...maybe they can. 

I don't have control of some of the things that have caused grief and pain, but I do have control over how I respond. Control of my words, thoughts, actions, responses, and prayers. On my own I am unable to respond in a way that would make anyone proud, but because of Jesus (and the work He's done on my heart in 2016), I truly believe that I can go forward being a better me. 

The keyword here is better. 

It doesn't mean that I'll be perfect, prim, and proper, but it does mean that I'll be mindful of my behavior and try my best to be as Christ-like as possible. 

It doesn't mean there won't be consequences, but it does mean that I'll be more forgiving of myself and others. 

It doesn't mean that 2017 will be flawless, but it does mean that I will see the flaws as an opportunity to respond gracefully.

And while I haven't made an actual resolution list, there are a few things that I sincerely hope to accomplish in this new year. However, instead of hoping and wishing it'll happen, I am claiming that these things will happen. Words are incredibly powerful (Proverbs 18:21) and I am choosing to speak life over my year, and these goals. 

My 2017 Goals 

1. More Godly contentment. This is something that would be life changing. As much as I want to only seek the Lord's approval, I do seek the approval of man. And by doing this, I am often disappointed (people will disappoint you), and crippled by this need. Thanks to the book Uninvited, I've gotten a little better at possessing this quality, but have a ways to go. This year, I will have more Godly contentment.

2. Growing in my faith. 2016 brought many trials and challenges, and while they were stressful (and sometimes painful) they made me grow. Keith and I started doing a Bible study together that has changed my entire perspective about a figure in the Bible that I used to strongly dislike. Now, I find myself hungry to know more about this man and his heart for God. This study has also brought Keith and I closer to one another, and improved our communication. Our study is almost complete, but it doesn't stop there. This year, I want to complete at least 3 more Bible studies with my husband.

3. Make a new war room. Over the summer I watched a powerful movie called War Room, and learned how most battles in life are being fought the wrong way. We need to go to war in prayer, not with people, so that we can fight to real enemy. I made my own war room in a closet the next day, but due to that room becoming occupied and my 2-second attention span, I stopped using it. In 2017, I will make a new prayer wall or journal and be intentional in my prayer time.

4. Stop cussing. This one is embarrassing, but it's the truth. I love Jesus but I cuss a little...As much as try, especially when I am angry or watching sports, horrible things fly out of my mouth. I try not to let this happen around my children, but that's not always the case. (Go ahead, judge away you judge-y people, you!) This year, I will control my tongue and live out James 3:9-11.

5. Improve my heart health. I have felt convicted lately when it comes to my health. While I did just have a baby and know it will take time to get back into shape, I was not healthy before this pregnancy. I've always wanted to be healthier from a vanity standpoint, but now I am convicted to be healthier so that I can lower my risk of heart disease. According the the American Heart Association,

Heart disease and stroke cause 1 in 3 deaths among women each year – more than all cancers combined. Fortunately, we can change that because 80 percent of cardiac and stroke events may be prevented with education and action.

I don't know about you, but that is frightening! There is good news though...you can help prevent heart disease by managing blood pressure and cholesterol, reducing blood sugar, getting active, eating better, and losing weight. This year, I will become the healthiest version of myself!

6. Love my husband better. I don't mean to brag, but my husband is the best person that I know, and the one that reminds me the most of Jesus. He is not without faults, but I admire the way he deals with adversity, his wisdom, and his self-control. Since meeting him, he has made me want to be a better person, and in turn I want to love him better. Not that I don't love him well now, but I know I can improve. This year, I will love my husband better through my prayers, words, and actions.

7. Be intentional with my children. As a work-from-home mom, it is a huge juggling act when it comes to giving my kids quality time and being distracted by my work. I'm pretty good at time management in general, but this has been a struggle. I am grateful that the Lord has blessed me with three amazing kids, and have found immense joy in teaching the older two preschool. In 2017, I will be intentional with my children so that their childhood is one they look back on and smile.

8. Write more. Writing makes me happy and helps declutter my thoughts, but I do not make enough time for it. Whether it is on this blog or in my journal, I will write more.

9. Read more. I love reading but don't do it nearly enough. I start a book and rarely finish, but this year I will start and finish 1 book per month.

10. Book a wedding in Italy. This one might throw you for a loop, but I work part-time as a wedding videographer. This is a business that my grandmother started in 1984, and something that I've been involved in since I was 12 years old. Since her passing in 2013, I've continued her legacy by naming my company in her honor. I never pictured myself doing this as my profession, but I enjoy it very much. The destination wedding industry is huge, and while I am booking up quickly for 2017 SC, NC, and GA weddings, I would be ecstatic to book a wedding in my adoptive homeland. (Don't worry, I haven't just tossed this thought out, fingers crossed, hoping it'll happen. I'm actually doing something to make it happen...stay tuned for my details later). In 2017, I will book a wedding in Italy.

I am going to print this post out and place it in my line of sight each day, so that on December 31, 2017 I can look back and see all I've done, instead of all that I forgot to do.

Do you have any goals/resolutions for 2017? I'd love to hear them!

2016

To say that 2016 has been rough would be a huge understatement. While it wasn't all bad, there were many challenging parts. While some relationships flourished, others completely fell apart. Doors were opened, doors were slammed shut. A rough pregnancy and labor produced a beautiful baby boy. Our faith has been tested, but we are still standing. And our marriage is stronger than ever. As this year comes to a close, I am gladly turning the page to the new chapter that is 2017. There is something about a fresh start -- a blank page -- that fills me with hope. Instead of worrying about the future and trying to figure everything out, I've decided that I will just speak life over 2017!

Keith and I have been doing Beth Moore's bible study on King David and it has absolutely changed my life. Truly. But that is a post for another day. However, through this study we read Psalm 20, and it has resuscitated my soul and is what I claim for this new year.

Psalm 20

1 May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;

may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

2 May he send you help from the sanctuary

and grant you support from Zion.

3 May he remember all your sacrifices

and accept your burnt offerings.[b]

4 May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

5 May we shout for joy over your victory

and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

6 Now this I know:

The Lord gives victory to his anointed.

He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary

with the victorious power of his right hand.

7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

8 They are brought to their knees and fall,

but we rise up and stand firm.

9 Lord, give victory to the king!

Answer us when we call!

What incredibly powerful words! I speak this Psalm over my life and over 2017, as I believe this will not only be a MUCH better year than 2016, but it will be our best year yet!

In addition to choosing this Psalm, I have also been listening to one song in particular and it's become an anthem of sorts. It's called "Shake It Out" by Florence and the Machine and has provided me with lyrics to shout in the shower, tunes to dance to in the kitchen, and words to speak when I am frustrated, confused, or discouraged. 

Did you listen to it? It's good, yeah? (That's the Cajun in me adding yeah at the end :D)

My favorite parts: It's always darkest before the dawn and It's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off. 

After the year my family has had, we are ready to shake the devil off, claim the promises that God's Word says, and have a wonderful year! 

2016 has been a mostly dark year, but the sun is rising, and 2017 is looking bright.

Are you picking Scripture or music to speak over 2017? If so, let me know!

The Place That Built Me

***I wrote this post in August and never published it.
I'm not sure why, but that changes today.***

At the beginning of this month, the kids and I traveled to Louisiana to visit with family and friends. All of the stressful problems that I was keeping quiet about on my last post just became too much, and I needed an escape. So on August 3rd at three o'clock in the morning, we took off for my Aunt's house in the Covington area. The trip was smooth and the kids were perfect, and we arrived around 1:30PM. We stayed in this area for the night and visited with my Aunt, Nanny, and a handful of cousins, and then made our way to the Lafayette area. Over the next 10 days we split our time between my mom's house in New Iberia and my Maw Maw's house in Kaplan.

While there, I felt all the stress and anger that had been crippling me in South Carolina vanish. The hardening stomach, the twitching eye, and the body aches were gone, and I was at peace. Spending time with people that love me for who I am is something that I do not take for granted. While life is Charleston is mostly enjoyable, I've never felt truly at home here. Of course, it's a beautiful place to explore and our location on the East Coast puts us near many desirable travel locations (I'm looking at you, Lake Lure ;)), but I still feel like few really know me. I don't think I'm great with people, and I often feel misunderstood. 

Because of this, I seem to be stuck in limbo. 

The place that I call home is the place where my forever friends and family live. It's a place bursting with culture and community and hospitality. Louisiana.

But the place that my husband and children call home is a place 800 miles away. A place where cobblestone stones streets and Spanish moss transport you to another time, and oysters are eaten instead of crawfish. South Carolina.

While driving down the streets of Lafayette, memories of my youth came rushing back. Meeting friends at local restaurants, shopping at the mall, nights out with my girlfriends, walks in the park...it's like the 30-year-old me traveled through time to 20-year-old me's life.

But that wasn't truly the case.

In reality, while reminiscing over the past, I was shocked and impressed at how much Lafayette has grown since I left. Entire sections of the city that used to be empty fields now contained new roads and routes to get in and out of the city. Grocery stores, restaurants, and businesses that I'd never seen appeared before my eyes and looked like they'd existed for a while.

It felt very surreal to drive the same routes I'd driven down hundreds of times, and yet feel like I was someplace foreign.

Very quickly after arriving, I threw myself a pity party. I don't belong anywhere was my theme, and I began to reevaluate myself and my current predicament in South Carolina. If I don't belong there, and I don't feel like I belong here...then where the heck do I belong?

Luckily, I snapped out of that pretty quickly, but the question remained -- Where do I belong?

I began to pray for peace and direction, and ultimately had a slight wake-up call that didn't happen once I returned to South Carolina. It was one of those Mufasa-in-the-clouds-remember-who-you-are moments. So who am I?

I am the King's Daughter.

I am a Cajun.

I am strong.

I am compassionate.

I have overcome adversity.

I am armed with passion and determination.

I am a wife and mother. 

I am me.

The next time I want to have a pity party because I'm homesick, feel rejected, or am having one of those days, I'll read this list and remind myself of all the things I am, instead of all the things I am not.

I'd be lying if I said it was all rainbows and sunshine during my visit to Louisiana, because being 7 months pregnant and a single parent to two kids under age 5 was freaking hard, and I missed that sweet husband of mine. I also didn't get to see many friends and family that I adore, AND the rain started, didn't stop, and flooded everything. BUT...I loved this visit, I needed this visit, and I've come to a rather obvious conclusion -- Life and death is in the power of the tongue.

So am I speaking life or death? 

Which one are you speaking?

When Keith and I met, I was so closed off and had built so many walls in an effort to protect my heart that I almost missed out on the love of a lifetime. I won't do that again. I won't let my scars and insecurities hinder me from actually living life. I am determined to change my outlook of Charleston and to try to build relationships here. To bloom where I am planted.

And while I don't know if I'll ever live in Louisiana again (I personally hope this isn't the case), I do find comfort in the fact that I can always go back home...and that is one lovely (and delicious) place to be. 

**I am happy to report that since August I've worked on becoming more content in who I am and have begun to grow more in my walk with Christ, as well as in my community. I may be moving at a glacial pace in regards to the latter, but progress is progress...right?**

Ethan Andrew - One Month Old

Current stats: At Ethan's check-up on December 1st (8 days shy of one month old) he weighed in at  9 lbs 9.5oz and was 22" long! We're very proud of this growth of almost 2 pounds and 4"! He wore newborn diapers for the first 2 weeks and is now in size 1 diapers. He's also wearing newborn and 0-3 month size clothing. 

Sleeping: Little man is such a great sleeper. He's sleeps for most of the day, and takes a really good 2-3 morning and evening nap. At night, he wakes up between midnight and 1AM, again between 4AM and 5AM, and then again for the day around 8AM. I am very grateful to be getting so much sleep during this first month, even though it isn't consistent hours, those 2-4 hour stretches really make such a difference. He prefers to sleep on his tummy, and we're constantly trying to roll him back onto his back.

Eating: He is exclusively nursing and does so like a champ! He normally eats every 2-3 hours, unless he's having a growth spurt, then he cluster eats...and that is incredibly exhausting for me (although we've only had a few days like that so far). I absolutely love nursing, but I've noticed whenever I eat any dairy (AKA my loves cheese, milk, sour cream, yogurt) or onions, he is very gassy and is in pain. So, I've stopped eating those things so that he isn't suffering. I had a similar problem with Arabella and had to stop eating dairy for a few months, but luckily I was able to reintroduce when she was older with no problems. I've been pumping periodically, and Ethan takes a bottle with ease. He also takes a pacifier and that is convenient!

Likes and Dislikes: Little man loves to be held (and we love to hold him), loves looking at his sea animal crib mobile, music, Christmas lights, and being rocked in his rocker. He also adores his siblings and loves when they talk to him. He adores Keith and will look for him if he hears Keith's voice. He also likes me a good bit. :D As for dislikes, he is not a fan of his car seat or swing, but both are growing on him.

Nicknames: Lil Baby, Eeth, Baby E, Ethan Peethan, and Tiny Mais. Then there's Eeth, Eeth the Indian Chief (because when Keith was younger he'd always say "Keith, Keith the Indian Chief!" lol)

Milestones:

First Bath at Home - November 16,  2016

First Thanksgiving - November 24, 2016

First smile captured on camera - November 27, 2016

Sibling Love: Gavin and Arabella both went through a lot adjusting to their new sibling. The first week Arabella would cry and throw herself on the ground constantly, and Gavin was being very sassy and talking back. The second and third week, Arabella stopped crying and started being my little diaper helper. Anytime E needed a diaper change, she was there bringing me a diaper, wipe, and throwing the dirty diaper away. Gavin stopped talking back and also started helping get E's pacifier when needed. Now, Gavin is absolutely obsessed with his brother and talks to him, helps me take care of him, and always tries to make him laugh. Arabella tends to do her own thing, but she does love on him here and there. 

Parenting: I'm not going to lie -- parenting 3 kids under the age of 5 is some serious business. There's a lot of juggling and a lot of deep breathing involved. :) I'm constantly reminding myself that Gavin and Arabella are still children and even though they're much older than the baby, they deserve just as much grace as he gets. While it has been an adjustment, I adore my family and am so thankful to be able to stay home with my children while working part-time with my videography business. 

Other Information: At his first check-up the week after birth, his umbilical cord came off on my shirt and his belly button had been bleeding a little since that appointment. At the appointment on 12/1, his doc used a silver nitrate stick to stop the bleeding, and it worked! :)

Ethan's Birth Story

I haven't written in quite some time, and managed to skip those last 10 weeks of updating the pregnancy on the blog.

Oops.

Let's just leave those weeks to themselves, as they were filled with lots of excruciating back pain, heart burn, Braxton hicks contractions, and me impatiently waiting to go into labor. I truly thought that this sweet baby would be at least a week early and be born in October. I worried so much (for nothing) that I wouldn't be able to go trick-or-treating with Gavin and Arabella, when in reality I was almost a week late.

So, let's start from my 40 week check-up (Wednesday 11/2), where I was told that I had not progressed at all from the 39 week appointment and was only 1 cm dilated. While I usually don't put a lot of stock in dilation (Gav was a week early and I was only 1.25 cm dilated at that point), I was feeling really defeated. How could we be 40 weeks pregnant and not being dilated more than 1 cm??? This appointment was on a Wednesday and I made it through the weekend and had another check-up on Monday, November 7.

During Monday's appointment (11/7), we learned that I was only 2 cm dilated and that my blood pressure was elevated. Normally my blood pressure is normal or low, so for me a 123/88 reading was concerning. We decided to schedule an induction for Wednesday, November 9th. I left the appointment feeling both relieved that I wouldn't be pregnant for much longer, but also nervous because I did not want to be induced. For Gavin and Arabella, I was able to labor without any medication and had both babies naturally without an epidural. I was hoping to do the same for Ethan, but obviously his safety was the most important thing.

I got home from the appointment and surprisingly began having contractions every 8 minutes. They never got closer, and I went to sleep for the night knowing that if I was actually able to rest, then this was not active labor.

I woke up the next day...still pregnant and still having contractions. This day just happened to be Election Day (11/8). Gavin was born on Leap Day and it would be pretty fitting that Ethan would arrive on another unique holiday...but thankfully he didn't. Due to E being almost a week past his due date most of our Charleston family members were going to be out of town or unavailable to watch Gav and Bella when I went into labor, but luckily my littlest sister, Lacey, flew in from Florida and arrived on Tuesday (11/8) at 6PM.

Thank God that she did, because two hours later I started having contractions that were every 3-6 minutes. After about an hour of this, I called my doctor, grabbed my stuff, and Keith and I headed to the hospital!

Last bump picture that Lacey snapped!

We arrived at the hospital around 9:30PM, and I was told that I was 3cm dilated. This was definitely an improvement, but the contractions were horrible and I knew we had a while to go before the pain was over.

KC and I before things got crazy

Two hours later, it was hell on earth. This labor seemed to be 10 times more painful than it was for Gavin and Arabella, and I was desperate for relief. While I didn't get an epidural, I did request pain medication in an IV. I was given a dose of Dilaudid for the pain and a dose of Phenergan to prevent nausea. Let me be very clear -- The drugs were POINTLESS. They did NOTHING to "take the edge off" of the pain and literally made me SLEEP during labor! I would pass out for a few minutes and then wake up to feel the most intense pain I've ever felt. However, I'm somewhat glad that I took the IV drugs, because Keith was able to have some amazing God conversations with our sweet nurse and photographer. :)

Since I was super drugged up and passed out I don't know the exact details of how fast I progressed, but let me tell you...the whole shebang only lasted 5 hours! From arriving at the hospital to delivering our boy, it was a hard five hour journey.

My doctor arrived at some point, and at 8cm he offered to break my water. (My water broke naturally for Arabella at 9.5cm and literally pushed her almost all the way out, while my water was accidentally broken during a check for Gavin, and I spent the next hour and 16 minutes in excruciating pain. It was an easy decision for me -- let my water break on it's own.) Well, this didn't sit well with my doctor, because he ripped his gloves off and said, "Are you serious? Well, fine! If you want to be in more pain, go ahead." And he walked away. Now, had I not been drugged up I would have likely kicked him out of the room, since who in their ever loving mind speaks to a patient like this at all, nonetheless DURING active labor?

Anyway, he walked out and I progressed from 8cm to 10cm, and my water was still intact. Once I began pushing, my water broke, and my doctor made his way back...only to walk away again while I was pushing to watch the Election results on TV. (Yes, we had the TV on...we didn't want to miss the news since we were awake anyway!) So as my nurse and husband are holding my legs and coaching me, my doctor is watching TV.

After a few pushes, the ring of fire, and the most horrific pain of my life, out came our beautiful baby boy! At 2:30AM, right when Trump was being announced as our president, we welcomed our third child into the world. Weighing 7lbs. 15oz and was 18" long. His head circumference was 14" and the nurses informed me that was a little on the big side...which also explains the pain this time around.

Proud Daddy

Cutting the cord

Keith told me that after each time I give birth, I let out a certain cry. It's a cry that is both joyful and sad -- one that reflects the pain of labor with the exhilaration of birth.

Since Ethan was born in the middle of the night, we stayed in the laboring room for a few hours and then around 6AM made our way to our recovery room. Keith and the older kids met us around 1PM that day, and it was the sweetest little meeting. Arabella was absolutely infatuated with Ethan, while Gavin was impressed but also wanted us to go home with them. :)

While it was a bit lonely and isolating being in the hospital with just me and Ethan, it was also refreshing. I loved spending time with my new son and learning this new person's needs. I did experience very intense stomach cramps that were caused by nursing (the suckling makes the uterus contract, which is ultimately a good thing because it helps it get back to it's normal size a quicker, but man did it hurt), and that was a bit difficult. I also tore (only 1st degree, surprisingly), and that made things uncomfortable to say the least.

One thing I absolutely have to say is that through all of the struggles, stress, and turmoil that Keith and I have experienced during this pregnancy (it's been a tough season), our God is good. He is so good, even when things are not. A huge worry of mine was having Ethan circumcised (even though Gavin is and it's a pretty normal thing, I've just read too many articles recently and was worried about the pain our little baby would feel), and when the pediatrician came in to check on him, he told me that Ethan has barely any foreskin and that he is naturally circumcised. That even if we wanted to get the procedure done, he would have referred us to a urologist when E was 6-9 months old! GUYS. I didn't even think this was an option or even happened, but it did! So all that worrying I did was for absolutely nothing. God took care of it in the most unexpected way, and we are so thankful!

(I contemplated putting this part in, but it's part of the story so...)

Unfortunately, my doctor continued to be difficult after delivery (he wanted to give me one particular pain medication and I only wanted something mild like Motrin) and I had to fight with him (through the nurses) to get it. He refused multiple times to give me Motrin and I had to threaten to speak to hospital management before he caved and let me have it. He never came by to explain to me the reason for his choice, and I am at a total loss as to why he treated me this way. It was very out of character for him, as he is usually kind and gentle. Maybe his candidate lost, maybe he was having a rough day...I really don't care either way. His unprofessional and borderline unethical behavior negatively impacted my experience and I will no longer be seeing him for any of my OB needs.

(Okay, back to the good stuff...)

While my doc was a total imbecile, the nurses that took care of Ethan and me were incredible! Charlotte, Helen, Deb, Jennifer, Nicole....thank you, thank you for all of your kindness and professionalism! And again, my experience (minus my doctor) at Trident Medical Center was wonderful. Keith actually joined me for a Celebratory Dinner that the hospital provided, which included a delicious steak dinner, cake, sparkling grape juice, and wine glasses. It was lovely! (I know this birth story is a bit negative, but if you want to read about the wonderful experiences I had with Gavin and Arabella, click their names.)

I am beyond thankful to have carried these babies in my womb and to have experienced natural childbirth 3 times (I'm counting Ethan's as natural due to the fact that I didn't have an epidural and felt everything regardless of the pain medication), and to have been pregnant four times (sweet Hayden, you are not forgotten). However, after my experience with Ethan I am pretty sure that we've reached our maximum for biological children. (But let's not rule out adoption and fostering ;))

Ethan Andrew: 31 Weeks

My last update covered my pregnancy experience during weeks 13-20, so I'll pick up at week 31 and briefly summarize weeks 21-30. :)

Current Week: We are 31 weeks today and I still can't get over how quickly the time is passing. It took me a week before realizing we'd entered the third trimester (at 26 weeks), and we only have 9 weeks left until meeting our sweet boy! 

Baby boy at 27 weeks

Size: At our 27 week ultrasound Ethan was weighing 2.2lbs. :) At 31 weeks, he is currently the size of a coconut. 

Movement: This little guy is very active, and I am so thankful for this. While the huge belly is enough, these little/big kicks are sweet reminders of the life growing inside of me. 

Arabella loving on Ethan :)

Cravings or aversions: I'm still not craving much, but around week 25 I started craving cheese. Sharp cheddar in little cubes, to be exact. I've also been eating lots of snowballs since being back in Charleston. During my visit to Louisiana I purchased a gallon of wedding cake snowball mix, and now I make my own at home in SC. :) Not only are they delicious (complete with ice cream and condensed milk), but they also get rid of heartburn pretty quickly. 

Weight Gain: I'm very happy to report that I've only gained 10 pounds so far! Not sure how this number has stayed so low, but I'm certain it has a lot to do with my very active days with Gavin and Arabella. 

Sleep: Sleep is getting more and more uncomfortable, as this belly of mine is hard and huge. I'm no longer able to roll face down and usually sleep a little twisted. While Arabella has been sleeping in her and Gavin's new bunk bed since July, she's recently started getting in our bed in the middle of the night. This happened after spending two weeks sleeping with me in Louisiana, but I'm hoping she gets back to her bed before Ethan arrives. 

Symptoms: Up until last week things were going well...and by well I mean I only had heartburn, exhaustion, and moodiness. I'm still experiencing all of those things, but now I'm having crazy back pains. (These pains are typically isolated to the lower and middle right side.) Also, for the past few days I've been having pretty intense pain that begins right below my belly button and ends at the top of my pelvic bone. I saw my doctor yesterday and was perscriebd an antibiotic that will hopefully heal anything that's going on down there.

That's all for now! Hoping for this back pain and weird stomach pain to go away soon, and to get Ethan's nursery together by my next update :) 

Keeping Quiet

It's been a bit quiet around here, but what are you supposed to say when you aren't supposed to say anything?

Life lately has been challenging, and when challenging things happens in real life you're supposed to keep it to yourself and off of the internet.

Right?

Thus holds one of the most challenging parts about using writing as an outlet and your blog to document your life. Typically, if I'm not writing consistently then I'm busy with other priorities or going through something that I can't share.

Unfortunately, this time around consists of both.

While this week is actually going okay, last week was one of the most difficult that I've had in a very long time. Things seemed to be going wrong on a daily basis and the stress became unbearable. My right eye started twitching, my body ached, and I felt like I had a stomach bug. My 24 week pregnant belly also hurt here and there (I think those may have been Braxton Hicks contractions), and it was quite alarming.

All. from. stress.

And while part of me wants to blurt everything out because it would quite frankly make me feel better, I know that it would make things in real life more difficult.

So quiet I'll keep.

If I've learned anything it's that biting your tongue is (sometimes) the best thing you can do. We recently went on a trip where someone's opinion was so far off and completely ridiculous that I wanted to speak up and challenge it...but I knew by doing so I would ruin the day and create tension and ill feelings. So I literally bit my tongue.

In today's society where social media is present and speaking your mind is so easy, it's important to remember that keeping quiet doesn't mean that you approve or agree with the opinion or actions at hand. It just means that you are picking your battles wisely.

It's so easy to focus on the negative, especially when you are 100% justified in doing so, but I've also learned that you must keep your eyes on the good, praise Him through the storm, and know that when things are tough, you are learning and growing and will persevere.

In reality things could be so much worse, and I'm thankful that the Lord has protected my family and continues to provide for us. Since I won't say what's wrong, I'll say what's right.

My children have been super sweet, happy, and are healthy. Thank you, Lord. 

The pregnancy is going well and sweet Ethan is one active little dude. Thank you, Lord. 

My husband and I continue to strengthen our marriage through all of these challenges, and he never fails to protect and love me. Thank you, Lord. 

We have a home to live in, food in our bellies, and more blessings than we deserve. Thank you, Lord.

The desires of my heart are strong and my passion for things truly amazes me. Thank you, Lord.

**Life is beautiful and messy and sometimes things go wrong, and I think that what everyone needs to remember is that every action produces a reaction. Those creating the initial actions do not have the right to try and control the reaction or to inform you how it makes them feel. They created the mess, and they must accept the consequences. With time and healing I'm sure things will return to some form of normal, but in the meantime boundaries must be respected.**

So, I say all of this to say that I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things and continue sharing my heart, goals, and life...because this blog is Lindsey's Dolce Vita, and it truly is "tales of my mostly sweet, sometimes crazy, perfectly imperfect life."