After the Storm, There is a Rainbow

It’s taken awhile to write about this miracle blessing, partly because I’ve been protective and partly because I didn’t know what to say…but only two and a half months after miscarrying our sweet Hayden, I saw the words “pregnant” on a Clear Blue pregnancy test.

It was three days before my period for February was due, and for a few days prior I had been experiencing symptoms associated with implantation bleeding. As much as I wanted to deny these symptoms, I know my body and I know when things aren’t normal, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Losing the baby we tried all of 2015 to conceive right before Christmas was devastating, and I was still struggling greatly at the end of February to cope with this loss.

Technically, I should have waited to test on Thursday, February 25th, but I was anxious and decided to test on Monday, February 22nd. I’ve never had a pregnancy test come back positive that early, and in fact Hayden’s test didn’t register positive until the day I missed my period. But there it was, that big fat PREGNANT written on the Clear Blue test.

February 22, 2016

 I immediately cried, and felt joy and fear and thankfulness all at the same time. I ran to Keith and told him our great news and he was overjoyed that we were pregnant again! I called my doctor and they had me go in that day to check my hCG levels. I went back on Wednesday and Friday of that week, and my numbers jumped from 14 to 47 to 146, and then the following week we tested again and the hCG number was 2,560. 

We waited a week before telling the world about our newest blessing, but those closest to us knew right away.

Since February 22nd I’ve had quite a few prenatal appointments and one ultrasound. So far, everything is looking really good. I will be 13 weeks on Thursday and thankfully entering the 2nd trimester. I have felt very tired and hungry, and have had a constant uneasy stomach. Up until week 8, I craved nothing, could not eat any meat, but was always hungry. (Thank God for saltines and ginger.) Since then, my stomach is still uneasy but I am craving organic oranges (because they are sweet, juicy, and freaking delicious), tomatoes in Italian dressing, pineapples, and dill pickle chips.  I’ve been able to eat meat again, but I’m taking my time adding this back to my diet because one wrong move and I’m nauseated for the day! Also, I've had to remove dairy from my diet because anything from cheese to milk to yogurt upsets my tummy. 

Rainbow Baby Christmas at 6.5 weeks

Gavin and Arabella are incredibly excited about our new family member, and Gavin often kisses my tummy and talks to the baby. We’ve told him our baby names and he loves them all, and he also likes to stick things down his shirt and tells me that he’s having a baby, too. 

Rainbow Baby at 12 weeks

As for me, I am thankful for this new life. I have not forgotten about Hayden and sometimes I even feel guilty for being happy and not dwelling on our loss, but I’ve read that’s a normal feeling to have. It’s strange to think had Hayden lived, this new baby would not exist. As a mother, I will always mourn the loss of our sweet Hayden, and even now I can’t stop the tears just thinking about him/her. I had a dream recently and there was a beautiful, red-headed baby with a button nose in it. The baby was happy and smiling, and while I’m not sure, I think this was my Hayden. And my heart broke a little, but I do feel peace knowing that my baby is with Jesus.

This new precious life growing inside of me has helped heal my wounds from the miscarriage, and I like to think that Hayden helped pick this baby out. I will never question God’s plan, but will count my blessings as they are given. We are only a few weeks out from finding out the gender, and either way, we are so thrilled to welcome our newest Little Christmas.

30th Birthday Recap

The day I turned 30 was truly one of the best days of my life. It was the kind of day that you want to revisit over and over and not change a single detail. It was spent at one of my favorite places with my favorite people, and was practically perfect.

We awoke bright and early and left our cabin in Lake Lure at 8:00am and headed to Asheville, which was about an hour away. The winding mountain roads mixed with the morning light made for lovely ride. I spoke with sweet friends and family, and we arrived at the Biltmore around 9:00am. After stopping at the Will Call desk to take our season pass holder pictures and pick up our equestrian tickets, we headed to Antler Hill Village to drop off my dad and the kids. Then, Keith and I headed to Deer Park Barn where we had reservations for an hour-long trail ride!

 This was my first time riding a horse and I was a little worried about how this ride would go, but I’m happy to report that we had a fantastic time! Our trail ride leader, Caitlyn, was so friendly and knowledgable, and we really enjoyed riding through the forest and learning about the Biltmore. My horse’s name was Leo and he was a sweet, fast-walking, while Keith rode Diesel, who was a slow and gentle guy.

After our ride, we grabbed my Dad and the kids and headed to the Estate! For only $20 you can valet park your car, and that it what we do every time we visit. (The convenience outweighs the price by far!) We made our way to the Stable Cafe, which is a restaurant located in, you guessed it, an old horse stable. While it might not sound appealing, it is in fact a lovely restaurant with excellent food! I recommend the estate-grown burger and potato soup.

After lunch we walked the grounds in front of the house and enjoyed the view of the beautiful architecture and mountains in the distance.

Next, we stopped to take in the gorgeous mountain view that frames the Estate, then headed inside for an audio tour. 

After our day of exploring, we headed back to our cabin in Lake Lure and relaxed, ate some cake, and thanked God for our blessings!

Take Flight

I am an incredibly passionate person, almost to a fault. I am the person with so many goals, dreams, and interests that sometimes it is overwhelming and exhausting. I blame it on my slightly OCD/ADD, Type-A personality, and for a long time I tried to hide it. Wanting to accomplish so much and often times failing takes a lot of energy and can be embarrassing, but it hasn’t stopped me from going after what I want. Now that I’m 30, I’m embracing it.

I don’t know exactly what happened, but combine my 30th birthday with my recent miscarriage and I believe you get a  quarter life crisis massive wake-up call.

What the hell am I doing with my life? 

It’s like I’ve woken up from putting myself and my desires last (Please don’t misunderstand this. I don’t put everything regarding myself last, but since becoming a mother my world has revolved around my kids, as it should…to an extent…but that’s not entirely healthy. I’ve almost lost myself and who I am separate from them), so I have decided to pursue one of my “I’ve always wanted to do that” goals.

It may surprising, but I’ve always wanted to become a licensed pilot.

In the words of my mother, “I thought only men did that?! Isn’t it dangerous??”

Well, yes, it’s a male-dominated industry with only 6% of women being pilots, but that only encourages me to go for it. I don’t know why more women aren’t working in aviation, but I hope to change that.

And yes, of course it has risks (as do most things) but in my opinion it’s no more dangerous than driving my SUV on the streets of South Carolina with the often reckless, erratic drivers.

I have always been fascinated with aviation, and this isn’t my first time trying to join the industry. From my attempt at joining the Air Force at 18 years old, to my three job offers to be a flight attendant in my early 20s, I’ve always been this.close to being around the beautiful machinery that amazes me so much. On my previous blog, My Dolce Vita, I wrote many times about this love:

March 19, 2010 – One of my favorite things about living in the Charleston area is the opportunity I have to see military planes flying. I usually see about one a day, but if I’m lucky I see more than I can handle. Working near the airport is another plus, as I get to monitor the construction of Boeing’s new site. I have an odd fascination with aviation, the Air Force, WWII, and WASP. (I actually joined the AF after high school. No, seriously I did.) And while I hate the alarming amount of obnoxious drivers here, I adore the sky. I have many crazy goals, and one of them is to learn how to fly and become a licensed pilot. I don’t know if it’ll ever happen, but until then I’m content watching these big, beautiful planes from the ground below.

I also documented my two failed birthday discovery flights (here and here), in which the weather prevented Keith and I from flying, as well as few other mentions of my love of aviation.

So instead of living another year saying “I’ve always wanted to do that”, I’m just going to do it.

On January 18th I took a discovery flight at a local flight school, and confirmed what I’ve always thought: I absolutely adore flying. While I was incredibly nervous, it was breathtaking soaring over the coastline and staring out at the Atlantic Ocean.

Since taking my first flight in a small aircraft it’s all I can think about. My head and heart are ready to start taking lessons, and I’m so thankful that this will happen in only a few weeks! I plan on flying two times a week, and should earn my Private Pilot License by the end of summer.

I am wrapping up my Master’s degree in May, and will continue my wedding videography business as projects occur. My longterm goals?

Get all of my certifications and become a commercial pilot and flight instructor.

Have an office in the sky.

Raise my kids around aviation (they already love it!).

Fly my family around the world.

My plate is full but not boiling over and I am thrilled to begin this endeavor. I know some of you probably think I’m crazy, and that’s okay. To sound ridiculously young…you do you, I’ll do me.  I am blessed to have a husband that supports my goals and dreams and encourages me to chase them! (Thanks, mais!)

What dreams do you long to accomplish? 

What’s stopping you from chasing them?

I’d LOVE to know what YOUR wildest dreams are!

Good-Bye 20's!

Today is the last day of my 20s. Tomorrow I will begin a new chapter, and I am so thrilled.

Turning 30 is something that I’ve dreaded for as long as I can remember, but now that the time has come I am very content. My twenties were all about firsts and major life moments.

I became a South Carolinian.

I got married.

I became a mom.

I graduated college.

I became a mom again.

I found many passions and dreams.

I went to Disney World and NYC for the first time.

I lost a child.

I learned, grew, cried, fought, laughed, planned, travelled, loved, and dreamed.

My twenties were incredibly fulfilling and I am closing this chapter with a full heart and hopeful mind. While I thought I’d know more by now…more about myself, who I am and who I want to be…I believe that is what my 30s will be for.

These past 29 years and 364 days have been an incredible blessing, and I am thankful for the time I’ve been given. It hasn’t all been peachy, but God has been too good to me.

I leave my 20s with one grey hair, a few eye wrinkles, a precious family, and lots of hope. I’m having a not-so-dirty-30 celebration in Lake Lure/Asheville over the next few days, and I feel like the luckiest girl lady in the world. 

2015

This past month has been a so strange, and for the most part I’ve felt a bit lost and confused.

I think this is what they call grieving.

Experiencing the euphorhia that comes with discovering a pregnancy, followed by the heartbreak of losing that child a few weeks later is draining to say the least. I’ve withdrawn from life and have been avoiding people and places, but with a new year on the horizon I have a new sense of hope and wonder.

Bad things happened, but 2015 was not a bad year. I watched my health improve and then decline. I started a business. I restarted my blog. I fell in love with Star Wars. I decided that Florida is a lovely place to be, especially Tampa. And so is Asheville. I made new friendships and tried to mend broken relationships. We traveled. I changed my hair color.  I made mistakes. I went back to the bayou. I spent my days with my precious children. I drove my husband crazy. I trusted in Him.

And I learned a lot.

I learned that it’s possible to make A’s in grad school if I stay disciplined and focused.

I learned that there truly is magic at Magic Kingdom.

I learned that it’s okay to write and draw and paint in my Bible.

I learned that potty training is the devil ridiculously frustrating.

I learned that forever friends do exist, even if you only see them once every few years.

I learned that it’s okay to press pause on one dream while pursuing another.

I learned that I can’t do everything.

I learned that what doesn’t kill you does make you stronger.

I learned that God will never leave me.

I learned that letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, but allows for healing.

While this is only a snapshot of my 2015, a lot can happen in one year. It is exciting to think that 2016 will be here tomorrow and a new chapter begins.

My wish for 2016 is to…

*Grow in my walk with God, truly falling more in love with my Jesus

*Be a better wife to my husband and mother to my children

*Make my health a priority

*Start volunteering again

*Take nothing for granted

I am thankful for all 2015 has been, but I believe that the best is yet to come (and babe, won’t it be fine?).

Hayden

It’s been a week since the loss of sweet #3 was confirmed, and while this week has been the hardest of my life I am finally feeling the calming peace that can only be provided by the Lord. I’d like to say that I’ve handled this whole thing with grace, but that would be a complete lie. The first few days after learning this news were very dark…my whole body ached and the only thing I managed to do was cry.

So many questions swarmed my mind…

Why did this happen? Was it my fault? How could we try all year for this baby only for him/her to be taken away so soon? What was the point of this?!?! 

I switched from sadness to anger often, and then something pretty amazing happened.

On Thursday (12/10) I pulled out a few blank canvases that I’d been saving for a rainy day. Arabella was sick with a virus that she caught from Gav over the weekend and slept all morning, while Gavin and I made hand and footprint art. I had just recently seen the most beautiful quote about miscarriage, and felt a sense of urgency to paint these words so that I could read them each and every day.

With each word, I felt myself start to heal.

Over and over, the thought of our child…that little beautiful face opening it’s eyes…only to see the face of Jesus.

What a breathtaking sight.

And it’s in this very distinct moment in my grieving process that I accepted the loss, and saw the beauty in this pain.

Another incredibly important decision that has helped me to start healing was naming this child. After a sweet friend of mine suggested that we choose a gender neutral name, we decided to do exactly that.

So, we will forever remember this child as Hayden Christmas.

Because this baby is not an it.

Or a number.

Or just a clump of cells.

This baby is a life.

It pains me to think that I won’t see Hayden until my time here on earth is over, but I am also incredibly thankful that I will meet him/her one day.

The grieving and healing process is unpredictable, and I’m still riding a hormonal rollercoaster. But I remain hopeful, and if I’ve learned anything recently it’s that hope is a dangerous, beautiful, and powerful thing.

Heartbroken

The news I’ve feared came true on Monday.

My doctor called an hour before my appointment to let me know that my hCG numbers had dropped from 55 to 28 in two days time, and that this was unfortunately a miscarriage. All the bleeding I had Friday, along with the “large clot” I passed was more than likely the baby.

I am completely broken.

This baby was only 6-weeks-old, but had completely stolen my heart. From the moment I saw those two pink lines and “Pregnant” on the digital test, I was in love.

But then again, that is a lie.

I’ve loved this child since the moment Keith and I decided to try for #3. All year, each month when my period was due, I would get anxious. Praying and hoping that this was the month it would happen. November finally gave us that, and while we only had two weeks of happiness celebrating the life of this child, I do not regret sharing our pregnancy with the world. This life was something to celebrate, and the outpouring of love and support from friends and family has been so touching.

But I was not prepared for this.

I don’t know how to act.

I am sad.

I’m heartbroken.

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe.

I feel guilty.

I’m angry.

I am a mess.

And I just want to skip Christmas because celebrating such a beautiful season while experiencing such intense heartbreak doesn’t feel right.

But that’s impossible.

The birth of Jesus is worth celebrating no matter what earthly heartbreak is occurring.

I think that the hardest part of all of this is the not knowing…not knowing the baby’s gender, not having a name picked out, not knowing who this child would have been… I have complete faith that I will see sweet #3 again one day, and that he/she is spending time with Jesus, my Me-Maw and Pe-Paw, my Poupee’, and all of my other relatives that are in heaven.

But it still hurts. Perhaps the saddest thing I’ve ever done was re-write name tags for presents, because I’d already written “From: Keith, Linds, Gav, Bella,  & #3”. This baby was real and wanted and an answered prayer, and I am so sad.

Please pray for healing and peace.