After the Storm, There is a Rainbow

It’s taken awhile to write about this miracle blessing, partly because I’ve been protective and partly because I didn’t know what to say…but only two and a half months after miscarrying our sweet Hayden, I saw the words “pregnant” on a Clear Blue pregnancy test.

It was three days before my period for February was due, and for a few days prior I had been experiencing symptoms associated with implantation bleeding. As much as I wanted to deny these symptoms, I know my body and I know when things aren’t normal, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Losing the baby we tried all of 2015 to conceive right before Christmas was devastating, and I was still struggling greatly at the end of February to cope with this loss.

Technically, I should have waited to test on Thursday, February 25th, but I was anxious and decided to test on Monday, February 22nd. I’ve never had a pregnancy test come back positive that early, and in fact Hayden’s test didn’t register positive until the day I missed my period. But there it was, that big fat PREGNANT written on the Clear Blue test.

February 22, 2016

 I immediately cried, and felt joy and fear and thankfulness all at the same time. I ran to Keith and told him our great news and he was overjoyed that we were pregnant again! I called my doctor and they had me go in that day to check my hCG levels. I went back on Wednesday and Friday of that week, and my numbers jumped from 14 to 47 to 146, and then the following week we tested again and the hCG number was 2,560. 

We waited a week before telling the world about our newest blessing, but those closest to us knew right away.

Since February 22nd I’ve had quite a few prenatal appointments and one ultrasound. So far, everything is looking really good. I will be 13 weeks on Thursday and thankfully entering the 2nd trimester. I have felt very tired and hungry, and have had a constant uneasy stomach. Up until week 8, I craved nothing, could not eat any meat, but was always hungry. (Thank God for saltines and ginger.) Since then, my stomach is still uneasy but I am craving organic oranges (because they are sweet, juicy, and freaking delicious), tomatoes in Italian dressing, pineapples, and dill pickle chips.  I’ve been able to eat meat again, but I’m taking my time adding this back to my diet because one wrong move and I’m nauseated for the day! Also, I've had to remove dairy from my diet because anything from cheese to milk to yogurt upsets my tummy. 

Rainbow Baby Christmas at 6.5 weeks

Gavin and Arabella are incredibly excited about our new family member, and Gavin often kisses my tummy and talks to the baby. We’ve told him our baby names and he loves them all, and he also likes to stick things down his shirt and tells me that he’s having a baby, too. 

Rainbow Baby at 12 weeks

As for me, I am thankful for this new life. I have not forgotten about Hayden and sometimes I even feel guilty for being happy and not dwelling on our loss, but I’ve read that’s a normal feeling to have. It’s strange to think had Hayden lived, this new baby would not exist. As a mother, I will always mourn the loss of our sweet Hayden, and even now I can’t stop the tears just thinking about him/her. I had a dream recently and there was a beautiful, red-headed baby with a button nose in it. The baby was happy and smiling, and while I’m not sure, I think this was my Hayden. And my heart broke a little, but I do feel peace knowing that my baby is with Jesus.

This new precious life growing inside of me has helped heal my wounds from the miscarriage, and I like to think that Hayden helped pick this baby out. I will never question God’s plan, but will count my blessings as they are given. We are only a few weeks out from finding out the gender, and either way, we are so thrilled to welcome our newest Little Christmas.