2015

This past month has been a so strange, and for the most part I’ve felt a bit lost and confused.

I think this is what they call grieving.

Experiencing the euphorhia that comes with discovering a pregnancy, followed by the heartbreak of losing that child a few weeks later is draining to say the least. I’ve withdrawn from life and have been avoiding people and places, but with a new year on the horizon I have a new sense of hope and wonder.

Bad things happened, but 2015 was not a bad year. I watched my health improve and then decline. I started a business. I restarted my blog. I fell in love with Star Wars. I decided that Florida is a lovely place to be, especially Tampa. And so is Asheville. I made new friendships and tried to mend broken relationships. We traveled. I changed my hair color.  I made mistakes. I went back to the bayou. I spent my days with my precious children. I drove my husband crazy. I trusted in Him.

And I learned a lot.

I learned that it’s possible to make A’s in grad school if I stay disciplined and focused.

I learned that there truly is magic at Magic Kingdom.

I learned that it’s okay to write and draw and paint in my Bible.

I learned that potty training is the devil ridiculously frustrating.

I learned that forever friends do exist, even if you only see them once every few years.

I learned that it’s okay to press pause on one dream while pursuing another.

I learned that I can’t do everything.

I learned that what doesn’t kill you does make you stronger.

I learned that God will never leave me.

I learned that letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, but allows for healing.

While this is only a snapshot of my 2015, a lot can happen in one year. It is exciting to think that 2016 will be here tomorrow and a new chapter begins.

My wish for 2016 is to…

*Grow in my walk with God, truly falling more in love with my Jesus

*Be a better wife to my husband and mother to my children

*Make my health a priority

*Start volunteering again

*Take nothing for granted

I am thankful for all 2015 has been, but I believe that the best is yet to come (and babe, won’t it be fine?).

Hayden

It’s been a week since the loss of sweet #3 was confirmed, and while this week has been the hardest of my life I am finally feeling the calming peace that can only be provided by the Lord. I’d like to say that I’ve handled this whole thing with grace, but that would be a complete lie. The first few days after learning this news were very dark…my whole body ached and the only thing I managed to do was cry.

So many questions swarmed my mind…

Why did this happen? Was it my fault? How could we try all year for this baby only for him/her to be taken away so soon? What was the point of this?!?! 

I switched from sadness to anger often, and then something pretty amazing happened.

On Thursday (12/10) I pulled out a few blank canvases that I’d been saving for a rainy day. Arabella was sick with a virus that she caught from Gav over the weekend and slept all morning, while Gavin and I made hand and footprint art. I had just recently seen the most beautiful quote about miscarriage, and felt a sense of urgency to paint these words so that I could read them each and every day.

With each word, I felt myself start to heal.

Over and over, the thought of our child…that little beautiful face opening it’s eyes…only to see the face of Jesus.

What a breathtaking sight.

And it’s in this very distinct moment in my grieving process that I accepted the loss, and saw the beauty in this pain.

Another incredibly important decision that has helped me to start healing was naming this child. After a sweet friend of mine suggested that we choose a gender neutral name, we decided to do exactly that.

So, we will forever remember this child as Hayden Christmas.

Because this baby is not an it.

Or a number.

Or just a clump of cells.

This baby is a life.

It pains me to think that I won’t see Hayden until my time here on earth is over, but I am also incredibly thankful that I will meet him/her one day.

The grieving and healing process is unpredictable, and I’m still riding a hormonal rollercoaster. But I remain hopeful, and if I’ve learned anything recently it’s that hope is a dangerous, beautiful, and powerful thing.

Heartbroken

The news I’ve feared came true on Monday.

My doctor called an hour before my appointment to let me know that my hCG numbers had dropped from 55 to 28 in two days time, and that this was unfortunately a miscarriage. All the bleeding I had Friday, along with the “large clot” I passed was more than likely the baby.

I am completely broken.

This baby was only 6-weeks-old, but had completely stolen my heart. From the moment I saw those two pink lines and “Pregnant” on the digital test, I was in love.

But then again, that is a lie.

I’ve loved this child since the moment Keith and I decided to try for #3. All year, each month when my period was due, I would get anxious. Praying and hoping that this was the month it would happen. November finally gave us that, and while we only had two weeks of happiness celebrating the life of this child, I do not regret sharing our pregnancy with the world. This life was something to celebrate, and the outpouring of love and support from friends and family has been so touching.

But I was not prepared for this.

I don’t know how to act.

I am sad.

I’m heartbroken.

Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe.

I feel guilty.

I’m angry.

I am a mess.

And I just want to skip Christmas because celebrating such a beautiful season while experiencing such intense heartbreak doesn’t feel right.

But that’s impossible.

The birth of Jesus is worth celebrating no matter what earthly heartbreak is occurring.

I think that the hardest part of all of this is the not knowing…not knowing the baby’s gender, not having a name picked out, not knowing who this child would have been… I have complete faith that I will see sweet #3 again one day, and that he/she is spending time with Jesus, my Me-Maw and Pe-Paw, my Poupee’, and all of my other relatives that are in heaven.

But it still hurts. Perhaps the saddest thing I’ve ever done was re-write name tags for presents, because I’d already written “From: Keith, Linds, Gav, Bella,  & #3”. This baby was real and wanted and an answered prayer, and I am so sad.

Please pray for healing and peace.

Waiting For Answers

The Christmas season has always been my favorite time of year.

The birth of Jesus, lights and decorations, the gift-giving, family and friends…I’ve loved all of it forever, and it’s only fitting that I married a man that changed my last name to Christmas.

But…this is why I am so completely blindsided by what has been happening over the past 5 days. The joy of the season with the most intense heartbreak I’ve ever experienced is incredibly conflicting. It brings back memories of June 28th & 29th of 2013, when my daughter was born one day and my Me-Maw died the next.

The baby that we’ve tried all year to conceive and the pregnancy the Lord blessed us with in November is in jeopardy. I’ve contemplated staying quiet until we have more information, but I am not the “suffer in silence” type of person. And we need prayer.

{Warning: The below is probably too much information for most people, especially men. If you don’t want to know about blood and lady things, STOP reading.}

I had my first prenatal appointment on Wednesday (12/2), and that day I also began lightly spotting. At my appointment I was examined and blood was drawn to test my hCG (pregnancy hormone) level. I scheduled a few future appointments and an ultrasound for the 15th, and what should have been a joyful meeting was one filled with worry.

I went home and cried and worried and prayed. Then, I cried some more.

On Thursday the spotting was heavier and the cramping began.

Friday morning I was back at the doctor’s office to have more blood drawn to make sure that the hCG hormone was rising, but since I’d been spotting and cramping I was seen immediately.

Due to lack of information there wasn’t many answers available. The blood drawn on Wednesday did show a low hCG level, and that was concerning. However, my cervix was closed and tinted blue (which further confirmed my pregnancy), and I was told to remain hopeful, but that at this point the pregnancy could go either way.

I left the office completely devastated and in tears.

How could this happen?? For my pregnancies with Gavin and Arabella I did not have any spotting or cramping, so this is really new territory.

I took Gavin to get a haircut after the appointment, and by the time I got home there was a lot of bleeding happening. The rest of the day there was intense cramping and more blood than I’d like to admit. My heart was broken and I was convinced that this baby wasn’t going to make it.

Yesterday there was more bleeding, but not as much cramping. I’m trying to remain hopeful, but I’m also trying to be logical. I know that my God is bigger than this and He is absolutely in control, but my broken heart would rather accept this horrible news than to set myself up for further devastation. But I do have hope…it may be small, but it’s there.

I am only 6 weeks pregnant, but I believe that life begins at the moment of conception. Yes, I have two healthy, amazing toddlers that I thank God for every day, but it does not ease the pain of thinking my third born is in danger. This little 6-week-old life is my child, and this experience is agonizing.

If you’re reading this, can you please pray with me? Pray that my appointment Monday confirms a healthy baby and an explanation other than a miscarriage for all of this bleeding. Pray that I have peace with whatever happens, and that I can heal from this if the outcome is what I fear.

I’ll write again soon, hopefully with better news.

Besides praying and reading His word, Lauren Daigle’s album “How Can It Be” has been light in the darkness. The song below has especially helped my heart.